August 2022 Reflection

This past August has been a real struggle. I entered August with high hope of finding a job and crushing on my UX Design course, but it was the opposite. I got discouraged from studying Front-End Development, especially with all the coding formats that I had to memorize. I finished Course 1 easily, but pushing myself to complete Course 2 has been a struggle. Asides from that, waking up to constant rejection from companies, even part-time positions, near me made me lose hope in life. I became more depressed, locking myself in my room and lying in bed all day forcing myself to sleep. I didn't want to be awake, because then I'll just be crying and regretting that I quit my job. When I filed for unemployment, I got rejected because they said that I quit my job because "I didn't want to work". That's bullshit. The position made me feel icky and disgusted, and it badly drained my mental health. I think the main reason why I have a stronger opinion against it is that I love supporting small businesses, and when I'm forced to constantly call these businesses up despite their busy schedule after being rejected just doesn't make me feel good. I didn't want people to remember me as the girl who can't understand "no means no", to which multiple people yelled at me after 4 days of being on the phone. 

I applied to a bunch of different part-time and full-time positions nearby, even boba shops, but the pay isn't high enough or I wasn't "qualified" for the position. My loan money is running out quickly, and I'm struggling with not being able to eat out as often. I cooked 10+ meals last month, which is a huge accomplishment honestly. I successfully made tea eggs for Alan, thanks to my egg cooker and dark soy sauce. I also made Master Reviewer on Google Maps, after Yelp Elite, and it's been a good habit to write reviews right after eating. I'm grateful to William and Millicent for constantly checking in on me, despite their busy schedules, and to Alan for dealing with my constant crying and mental breakdowns. Alan and I also hung out with Jim for a weekend, and tried the new Moodaepo KBBQ along with Whistle Britches— both were delicious btw.

I recently went back to digital journaling to help cope with my depression. I stopped at the beginning of July when Arthur got sick and was admitted to the emergency vet hospital, and I guess things just kept piling on. I learned how to download fonts on my iPad Pro 12.9 which makes journaling so much easier, and much cuter. The handwritten fonts are much better compared to my handwriting, so the overall view just looks more aesthetically pleasing. The biggest accomplishment was pushing through and completing my Course 2 for UX Design. I took a 3 weeks break because I couldn't decide if I want to follow up with it and whether I was passionate enough to keep going. I know the journey is going to be hard, especially when I didn't major in graphic design or any of the sort. I also understand that without a mentor, it's going to be rough finding a job after finishing, even if I have a fantastic portfolio. William kept asking if I want to talk with his cousin, who's a design manager at Cola-Cola, but I'm afraid of embarrassing him, and myself because I'm just a lost hope at this time. It's been a rough month, and I don't expect September to be any easier. My hope is to stay strong, look forward with hope, and not backward with regret.